Maybe you are a woman much like me, with a dream of being the type of wife and mother you always wanted to be since you were a little girl. However, after years of marriage, and trying to uphold these roles, it may be that the reality of your family life has turned out differently from your dream.
Perhaps like me, shortly after your wedding day, the fantasy of your prince charming was no longer a reality. You may have noticed a troubled sense of restlessness, and unhappiness rising somewhere from deep within. Have you ever found yourself reacting to your own heartache by placing the blame on everyone else around you? While it may be hard to admit, this may be related to problems that you have failed to see in yourself. This far, you may have run hard and fast from shame, or from negative feelings about yourself or others.
Have you felt the sting from making poor choices in your life? Troubled marriages and crumbling relationships with children are often the result of these choices. While unhealthy choices in your life often seem to be the only solution or hope for these problems, desperation does not create a foundation for wise choices. In these instances, many of you may be experiencing an unhealthy relationship with yourself, and as a result, with everyone else around you.
Some women may feel a sense of loss from their choices every day, and in their conscience have a vague idea that they are troubled. Others may have been so disconnected from the truth about their behaviors that denial has helped them to avoid it. It may seem overwhelmingly impossible to finally come face to face with the harsh reality that you have acted in certain ways or have done things you never dreamed you would have to yourself, family, and to others.
You may be the kind of a woman who has hidden her own negative thoughts and feelings, often hiding in a secret life of sin. These feelings may cause you to become a victim of your own thoughts. Trying to numb yourself and mask the pain by creating temporary fixes and addictions will only make matters worse. Are you reacting to the pain of loss, suffering with patterns of bad behaviors to escape from unhappiness? Unfortunately, all these false solutions do not address the real problem.
Have you found yourself in a desolate place of brokenness? As hard as this is it can be the wake-up call of your life where strength and healing can be found. It may be at this very place, when everything seems to be falling apart, that you learn to reach out for God. Turning to Him for help, and trusting in His ways, allows you to truthfully address your past and make the necessary changes needed to enjoy the life you always dreamed of. Finding a new identity in Him allows you to heal and begins the restoration of yourself and your relationships.
My story was not any different. I also experienced the various negative beliefs and behaviors that I have described, living a life of bad choices and immorality as far back as my teenage years. I had no sense of who I was, or what I should do with the rest of my life, other than pursuing the ideal dream of getting married and having children.
As a child, I found myself in situations where I lacked sufficient attention and was not always free to express my emotions properly. Somewhere in my very early childhood, I became emotionally withdrawn and numbed myself from the way I felt inside. It was my survival response to the emotional neglect that I suffered. Fear, insecurity, anxiousness, and loss were all cultivated as a young girl. Thinking that my needs were not important enough, I emotionally abandoned myself. Later in life, this led me to continue to numb myself with a variety of addictions because of my own lack of personal worth and growth, which brought ruin to my family’s lives and my own.
Entering my marriage with a whole slew of insecurities eventually tore our entire world apart. I had no idea what a healthy relationship with myself was, not to mention how to have one with anyone else.
Many have suffered from bad examples of role models, such as parents and educators who failed to meet essential needs. It took years for me to realize that my so called “role models” failed to be a good example for me and were unable to meet my needs because of their own personal pain, addictions, fears, and anxieties. Somewhere along the line as an adult however, I realized it is important to stop blaming everyone and everything else for a painful past.
A willingness to take accountability for our own thoughts and actions allows us to take control of our own lives and break the cycle of self-imposed suffering. While there are many types of abuse and mistreatments that cause us to suffer, God is always waiting to help, regardless of who is to blame. I can almost guarantee that most of us have experienced some level of mistreatment while growing up, whether it be from a parent, a teacher, a relative, or friend. We all have been a victim, at one time or another as we journey through life, but we must finally take the opportunity to overcome the past and break the cycle of abuse and suffering. We must begin to discover new paths for our lives, by taking the right action steps of submitting to God’s will. The amazing news is that God longs to come and rescue us from our troubles.
When God found me hopeless, He showed me that I must confront my pain with the truth and stop trying to mask it. For every woman the mask will look a bit different, but no matter what kind of pain we have suffered, God wants us to remove our masks, face the truth about the pain we hide behind that causes us to hurt ourselves, as well as others, and be set free … free to heal, free to love, free to forgive, and free to face the truth.
Please check out my recent books called “Come Back Home (a memoir) and Heart of a Wife (a workbook)”. These are both designed to give you biblical insight and the skills to improve your roles as a wife and mother.