Written By: Thomas Ackerman

I have known a good number of men and women who stood for their marriages, this in part through the organized permanence of marriage movement, and in part through brothers I meet in personal ministry. Several of them, thanks for God, were restored to their covenant spouse. Most were not. I know one woman who stood for her marriage for decades, until she finally passed away. Odds are, looking at the situations I personally know and applying some common sense, that couples who divorce will not ultimately reconcile. They will be apart for life. That is the sad truth, but that does nothing to lessen the importance of standing for your marriage, because that is what the holy God of the universe teaches us to do; to remain single or reconcile (1 Cor 7:10-11). We wait and we pray. Even if our departed spouse marries another, in what by nature is not a true marriage, we remain celibate in order to be faithful to God. The purpose is faithfulness to our Savior, not to receive our desired restoration.

Standing for your marriage may bring only a small chance to reconcile, but there are many important goals it achieves for the Christian nonetheless. The first, is that remaining single is what allows reconciliation to be possible. If both spouses remarried, it likely would not be possible. However, if one is respecting their marriage covenant, and remains single after divorce, the door is open in the future for the marriage to be restored. Surely, we would see more restored marriages if more men and women did what the New Testament teaches when you are separated or divorced, which is to remain single or reconcile. Of course, in the only cases I know of spouses being restored after years apart, one of the spouses intentionally remained single, waited and prayed, and then when the other spouse repented, the door was open for them to reunite. One Christian sister did if for nearly a decade before her spouse repented. This alone is a great reason to wait and pray for your spouse.

Another very obvious reason, is that standing for your marriage is a part of the sacrificial nature of the Christian faith. The Christian is literally promised in Scripture that he will suffer for his faith, he will have to sacrifice much. Well, this is one of those sacrifices. God uses that to refine us as a Christian, to bring us to greater godliness. Suffering in life is even connected to our salvation multiple times, as Paul teaches in Romans, “The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together” (8:16-17). It is indeed essential to our Christian journey, which ends in heaven, in the words of Jesus: “And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it” (Matt 10:38-39). This hard teaching is given in the context of needing to leave close family members to follow Jesus (vv. 35-37), and certainly includes the pain of departure from a spouse too. Paul writes in Philippians that through the life in faith he has “fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead” (Phil 3:10-11). Suffering is one of the many things which God uses to remove that carnal nature from us, to chip away at any hardness on our soul. We should be grateful for suffering in that way, even if we do not want it to come to us.

In Jack Shannon’s book, The Astonishment of Ezra, one essay is by a pastor who discovered the Bible’s teaching that marriage is permanent after his wife left him, and he found himself shockingly alone. He soon embraced his unfortunate condition, explaining that all these years as a Christian, and as a pastor, he really had not had any great sacrifice in his life. For the most part, his life had been comfortable. Now, as a divorced man, he had a great struggle and was doing what he knew he needed to do as a Christian, and what the Bible describes as the Christian walk. Pastor Shimkus writes, “For the first time, it felt as though the Lord Jesus was presenting me with something objective and tangible as a way to give up everything I had to follow Him in obedience. For the first time, it felt as if He was holding up a mirror to my heart to let me truly see its condition. For the first time, I felt that this was no longer theory, or a sermon or a Sunday school lesson — it was authentic and real” (p. 107). How many of us truly have such a struggle as Christians, or go through serious hardship? How may have to give up everything? Often, we do not, yet this is what God brings into our lives so that we live in Christ more fully. If you find yourself alone and abandoned by your spouse, realize that God is giving you a path to make your faith more real.

This kind of loss and great sacrifices unite us with Christ more deeply, whether the experience of divorce and sudden singleness, or any other trial. This unity with Christ is what the Christian should desire, even as he does not desire pain. He should want to know Christ more deeply. Christ’s experience of being conformed to the Father’s will should be our experience of being conformed to Christ, who followed the Father perfectly. Paul similarly writes in Hebrews 2 (yes, it was Paul), that the Captain of our salvation was made “perfect through sufferings” (v. 10). He then explains the sense behind this process, which is that we as men go through suffering, and Christ would share in our experience, defeat the devil in the same flesh which you and I have, and then intercede for us in all that we go through. We have an intercessor who shares in our experience. Christ was perfect, and He did not need to suffer for sins or wrongdoings, but He suffered as a part of His humanity, to grow through it as we do, and to become “a merciful and faithful High Priest” (v. 17). Because Jesus was tempted in human nature, He is able to aid us, his brethren, who are tempted (v. 18).

The goal of standing for marriage also fulfills many goods which come through celibacy. Celibacy, remember, while not the norm for men and women, is still portrayed in the New Testament as superior to marriage. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7, that he wishes “all men were even as myself” (v. 7), meaning that all men were celibate. He also contrasts celibacy with marriage, expressing marriage, in many cases at least, as being a concession to man’s powerful desires. He writes, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband” (vv. 1–2). Jesus presents celibacy as the option for those who find His marriage teaching too difficult for them, saying there are “eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake” (Matt 19:12). While the Lord is speaking of men who choose celibacy rather than ever getting married, it applies also to those who find themselves single and celibate after a divorce. Their celibacy can serve the kingdom of God, which is a goal we all ought to respect highly.

The celibate man or woman has many traits which make him superior in serving the Lord Jesus, and working for His kingdom on this earth. He is able to focus more of his thoughts on the Lord, on prayer, on ministry than the married man, whose mind is more focused on taking care of his family, and serving them. The celibate person has more time as a result, as family takes up our days, as does taking care of a home. As a single person it is only you. There is much you can turn your attention to immediately, and your schedule beyond work is extremely free. The celibate man is also more mobile, usually owning far fewer possessions, and able to leave somewhere more quickly and easily. If he needs to move to serve the Church, for whatever ministry goal he has, it is not such a hard endeavor. Moving when you have a spouse and children, and own a home and many possessions, is much harder. He can save money faster than a married man, and this money can be given to serve Church ministries. The celibate many has more time for personal devotionals, whether it be prayer, Bible study, or something else. His schedule is open to worship, council brothers in Christ, evangelize, or do apologetics, making him a needed warrior for the kingdom of God. We would have many more such warriors if more brethren did what Jesus himself advised, and remained single. We could have an army of them, all contributing to the Church with their heart’s attention, time, and resources. It is a true loss we don’t have more such celibate warriors.

The person standing for his marriage must realize one thing: the world needs to see his example. His faithfulness is what the brethren need to see. This is especially true in a church world in which immorality of all kinds is common, and in which divorce and remarriage is epidemic. Paul instructs in 1 Corinthians 11, “Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ” (v. 1). He similarly teaches in Philippians 3, “Join in following my example, and note those who so walk, as you have us for a pattern” (v. 17), assuring us that we indeed have a guide for how to live, and we only need to follow that guide. Christ may be the perfect examples for us, but a faithful brother is also a necessary one. This is a broad teaching which applies uniquely and powerfully in our situation. We all need to set a good example by following Christ, but the one who remains celibate to be faithful to his marriage, is a stand-out example, because it is so rare and so difficult. His stand, in imitation of Christ, will inspire others to think about the true nature of marriage more deeply. It will inspire some to open their Bible and reconsider the nature of marriage. It will bring up the possibility of standing for those who never considered it once, and it will inspire others to follow the stander’s example and do the same. It will bring on more restored marriages. It teaches us all what is possible in Christ, and the power that the Holy Spirit has to sanctify us.

The growth in faith that can come through standing for your marriage is another reason to see its high value. The brother who has been abandoned by his spouse, and found himself betrayed, in pain, and alone, finds he has one place to turn for strength; that is Christ. It demands a fuller resting upon our Lord, which often we miss in a less difficult walk. It demands we turn to Him over and over, to find rest, to find peace, to have energy to go on when we are crushed by the world. Like any loss, it teaches us our full dependency on the God who made us, who gave us life, for every breath and moment of life. It all belongs to Christ. Everything depends on Him. As the wonderful song says, “I must tell Jesus all of my trials, I cannot bear these burdens alone; In my distress He kindly will help me, He ever loves and cares for His own.” In the words of Jesus for those who turn to Him, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light” (Matt 11:28–30). It is that relationship which the Christian ought to seek, to lay all of His burdens at the feet of Christ, to call out in sorrow to Him.

I have never had to go through the trial of being abandoned by my spouse. I have always had a happy and loving marriage through the power of God, and was blessed to marry a good woman. Why God chose that as my path, and gave another the path of celibacy, I do not know. It is only up to the will of God, but I have had my trials and great losses in life, and I do not write this without a knowledge of suffering, loss, and degradation. Those things are a part of the human experience. In the life of the Christian, they serve a special purpose, as God brings these human experiences to their highest order, just as He brings marriage in the New Covenant to its highest purpose, as a witness to Christ, and a vessel for children who will know Christ. Your struggle as a marriage stander is no less than the struggle of the Christian faith. It is needed. Remaining single and alone is a tool which God uses to refine you in suffering, to bring you closer to Him. It presents you a life where you may serve Jesus more greatly through being alone. It is a shining example to the brethren of how the saint must live, as well as probably the only thing which keeps the door open to reconciliation in the future. If this is your life, remain in it faithfully, as it is the will of God.